James Joseph Metcalfe

My brother, James Joseph Metcalfe, passed on November 19, 2022.  He was 63 years old. Born on May 18, 1959 to James W. Metcalfe and Luigina Metcalfe, he lived most of his life in San Mateo CA, but always felt a special connection to his birthplace, Chicago, Ill.

From the day he was born, he was crowned special and the challenges he faced started from the day he was born.  I’ve always thought of him as my baby brother, a big sister’s protective nature I suppose.  He didn’t like that and didn’t like the idea of being special.  His dream was to be like everyone else.  I’m not sure he realized that the thing that made him feel different was the very catalyst that laid the groundwork for his incredible kindness, gentility, humility and courage.

Jim had mild Asperger’s, or Autism Spectrum Disorder. When he was young, there wasn’t the information that we have now to help us understand how he navigated the world.  To us, the family, he was just a unique kid who had a great affinity for numbers and a stellar memory for events, dates and times.  If you asked him when Willie Mays hit his first home run at Candlestick Park, he’d not only be able to tell you the date, but also the inning, the pitcher, the count, who was on deck, who they were playing and what the weather was like.

Jim loved to laugh. He had a sharp sense of irony.  He had the kind of laughter that would ignite everyone’s funny bone. There were times he couldn’t even finish what he was saying because he’d start laughing so hard, he couldn’t talk, tears streaming down his face. Seeing him light up with pure joy was priceless. Good medicine.

Maneuvering the world was a bit more challenging for Jim.  He longed for a connection to the world and to people, but his sensory experience was more in need of great care and protection.  That didn’t stop him from trying though.

When Jim was a teenager, he joined a Christian youth group.  It seemed to be a lifeline, an anchor. This inspired him to go to Simpson College to become a youth minister.  He found something that made sense to him.  Invigorated, his purpose was born in him.  However, he pulled out of school.  The demands were more than he anticipated and he started experiencing mental dysregulation.  He was unable to go back, and he was very disappointed.

But he found his anchor. He loved God. He found rest in God. He clung to God. This is what got him through the tougher times to come.

We took a few road trips.  He visited me in Dallas and we drove to San Antonio.  We had a great time exploring.  There were a few times along the way he’d see someone holding a sign up asking for help.  His immediate instinct was to go to the nearest restaurant and pick up a fried chicken dinner and go back to give it to them.  Before leaving, he would ask them if they would like him to pray with him.  The answer was always yes, and I would see him kneel next to them on the sidewalk to offer comfort.

Events unfolded, and Jim found a new purpose.  He might even say – his true purpose. Mom fell ill about 35 years ago.  He helped Dad with the day-to-day care for all those years and stayed by their side, he was dedicated. It was a tough and fragile situation.  They were like the Three Musketeers, “All for one, one for all”.  Dad fell ill years later and passed in 2011 and Jim continued to stay and help Mom.  He became her wingman. They got to travel a bit, go to plays and concerts together.  They were a team. Mom passed in 2016.  Jim sat by her side until she took her last breath. It changed him.  God was his heavenly anchor and Mom was his earthly anchor. The losses were very hard on Jim.  He missed Mom and Dad with his whole being.  I’m not sure he ever recovered.

Jim had a nickname for me, it was “Agnes”.  When I was having a rough time getting around because of arthritis, he’d say “Don’t move so fast Agnes, you’ll create a tornado!” He was the only one that could turn my momentary self-pity into laughter. “Agnes” was code for “don’t take yourself too seriously.”  A reality check of sorts.  I will miss that.

He was wise, no lectures, and no long-winded wisdom . . . just “Agnes”.  Worked every time.

Jim missed Mom and Dad.  In the last few years he spoke about being with them often. I think he was tired, weary. I think of him as an old soul who did what he came to do.  And he was a success.  He was extraordinary, rising above his challenges, and became the best of who we can be.  I hope he knew that being different was Grace.  He was and remains the heart of this family.

Jim will be put to rest on December 28, 2022 at Calvary Cemetery in Tacoma Washington. He will be next to Mom and Dad; the Three Musketeers will be reunited.

Jim had a devoted family and support that cared for him, nurtured him and loved him.  I would like to thank Greg Hock, Tim Smithwick and Nina Herndon, Jill Melvin and Shari Shoenfeld from Sage Eldercare for their dedication, and sensitivity to his needs and helping Jim live his best life.

I also want to give love and appreciation to our aunt, Toni Mineo for being Jim’s “other Mother” and spiritual support.  When visiting in Tacoma, she would make Jim’s favorite foods, the best stuffed eggplant, stuffed artichokes and raviolis around.  He also looked forward to going to dinner with his cousin, Gene Mineo at his favorite restaurant, BJ’s, for a pizza and orange soda followed by a movie.  He looked forward to coming to Tacoma and enjoyed those special times.

And, Suzy Metcalfe-Baldwin, our cousin, your beautiful support, friendship and love you offered Jim cannot be equaled or measured.  Ever.  You are a gift.

It is true what is said, it takes a village and we had the best.

My hope is that we become more educated and sensitive to the needs with people experiencing differences whether it is autism, depression or any illness that keeps them from feeling separate and different. Their capacity for love and charity is not diminished, and often times enhanced.